By: A Very Sober Hemp Advocate
Grab your overpriced cocktail, folks—Big Alcohol wants to regulate your hemp now. Yes, the same industry that brought us frat house hangovers, tequila-fueled karaoke regrets, and Tuesday morning AA meetings now wants to oversee cannabinoids in Tennessee. Because apparently, nothing says “we understand cannabis” like a board full of whiskey lobbyists trying to pronounce "cannabinoid" without sounding like your drunk uncle reading a science book.
Wait... What’s a Cannabinoid Again?
Let’s start with the basics, because clearly, the Alcoholic Beverage Commission (TABC) hasn’t.
A cannabinoid is not something you chase with lime and salt. It’s a naturally occurring compound found in hemp and cannabis, many of which (like CBD, CBG, and THC) interact with your body’s endocannabinoid system. Never heard of it? Don’t worry, neither has your local liquor distributor.
While alcohol floods your system and dehydrates your brain cells into a blissful stupor (and then a headache), cannabinoids modulate stress, regulate sleep, support mood, and stimulate appetite. In fact, some cannabinoids are so gentle, they’re used in children's epilepsy medications. Can you say the same about Fireball?
From Barstool to Boardroom: The Booze Industry’s Grand Delusion
Tennessee’s HB1376 proposes putting the regulation of hemp-derived cannabinoids under the TABC. That’s like asking the Marlboro Man to run a yoga studio.
Let’s be real: the alcohol industry barely understands its own PR problems, let alone the science behind cannabis. They’re the guys still pretending vodka soda is a “healthy choice.” Now they want to regulate nanoemulsified, dual-extracted cannabinoid products with synergistic terpene profiles?
Sure, Jan.
It would be cute if it weren’t so dangerous. These are people whose risk assessment strategy involves beer pong tournaments and encouraging shots named after military-grade explosives.
The Real Agenda: Cannibalize the Competition
This isn’t about “public safety.” It’s about market share.
Cannabinoid beverages are exploding in popularity—and not in the “drunken brawl at the honky tonk” way. They offer social elevation without the booze bloat, aggression, or shame spiral. And Big Alcohol is nervous. Very nervous.
With Gen Z and Millennials trading shots for gummies, the liquor cartel is watching their future go up in smoke—delicious, lavender-infused, Delta-9 vaporized smoke. So what’s their solution?
Buy the regulators. Change the rules. Kick the cool kids off the playground and install themselves as hall monitors.
This is the equivalent of Blockbuster trying to regulate Netflix in 2009.
You Want TABC to Regulate Hemp? Cool. Let’s Let Taco Bell Run Cardiology Clinics.
TABC regulating cannabinoids is laughable—like, someone-should-put-this-in-a-comedy-special funny.
These are folks who are experts in:
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Determining how many Jell-O shots a bar can serve before violating zoning laws,
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Arguing that “ladies’ night” discounts are a form of civic virtue,
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Turning a blind eye to the real public health crisis: America’s alcohol addiction.
And now they want to decide which cannabinoids are “safe”? Let’s not forget these are the same people who put Southern Comfort in a glass bottle and called it sophistication.
Misinformation on Tap: The Science-Free Zone
One TABC-adjacent lawmaker recently said that THCA should be banned because “it gets you high.” Spoiler: THCA is non-psychoactive until it’s heated. This is cannabinoid science 101.
That’s like banning bread because it could become beer if fermented and left in a hot trunk.
The sheer level of ignorance is enough to make a hemp farmer cry into their soil. These are elected officials and bureaucrats who wouldn’t know the difference between Delta-8 and Delta Airlines.
Meanwhile, real cannabinoid producers have COAs (Certificates of Analysis) longer than the bar tab at a Nashville bachelorette party. They’re running lab tests, tracking terpene profiles, working with molecular chemists. But sure, let’s hand the reins to the people who thought White Claw was a wellness drink.
How to Destroy a Billion-Dollar Industry in One Legislative Session
Make no mistake: this isn’t just a jurisdictional change. It’s an extinction-level event.
The Tennessee hemp industry is worth up to $560 million a year. Thousands of farmers, shop owners, processors, and retailers depend on it. What HB1376 and its TABC-loving pals propose is:
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Banning sales in convenience stores (where most hemp beverages are actually sold),
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Requiring $750,000 in assets to operate (small business who?),
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Shifting oversight to an agency that can’t spell “endocannabinoid.”
This is not regulation. This is consolidation. It's the hostile takeover of a grassroots wellness movement by the beer and bourbon boys.
Big Alcohol: The Original Party Poopers
Let’s not pretend Big Booze has ever played fair.
For decades, they’ve:
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Lobbied against cannabis legalization to protect their profits,
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Pushed alcohol as the only legal intoxicant worth celebrating,
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Spent billions marketing liver failure as “fun.”
And now that people are choosing something smoother, smarter, and safer?
They want in—but only if they can control it, restrict it, and make it look like a watered-down IPA with THC dust sprinkled on top.
Let’s be honest: if Big Alcohol had invented THC drinks, they’d have names like “Buzz Blaster” and “High Noon: Reefer Edition,” and they’d come with a warning label saying: “May cause coherent thoughts and mild introspection.”
The Future of Hemp Belongs to the People, Not the Pints
Tennessee lawmakers need to decide: do they want to nurture a homegrown wellness industry that’s putting farmers back to work, diversifying rural economies, and offering safe alternatives to alcohol?
Or do they want to hand it over to an industry that once thought Four Loko was a good idea?
Here’s a radical thought: maybe cannabinoids should be regulated by scientists, health experts, and people who can explain the difference between full-spectrum and broad-spectrum without needing flashcards.
Maybe we should listen to the hemp farmers, not the bar franchisees. Maybe—just maybe—we shouldn’t let Big Booze be the babysitter for a plant it tried to ban for decades.
Conclusion: Stay in Your Lane, Boozy Bros
To the alcohol industry: we get it. You’re scared. Cannabinoids are cooler, cleaner, and don’t require a 3-day hangover recovery kit. But instead of trying to hijack the hemp movement, maybe it’s time to innovate your own house or allow us both to play in the sandbox.
Start with reforming your own regulatory problems. Then maybe, maybe, you can earn a seat at the hemp table.
Until then, leave the cannabinoids to the adults. And kindly take your appletinis and asset requirements back to the country club.
